The 30 Day Blogging Challenge has really allowed me to open up to you as well as learn about myself. It’s not often that you are asked questions about yourself – I don’t mean ‘what’s your favourite colour‘ or how you like your eggs – but questions about the real you. So even though I’m only almost half-way through, I’ve enjoyed learning and growing whilst giving you guys an idea as to what makes me who I am.
So for Day 13, the challenge is:
How Have I Changed in 2 Years
Two years ago, I had just quit a job I had been bullied in. I was feeling exhilarated that I’d made a choice for myself, and not held on as I usually would have done for the benefit of somebody else. I didn’t have a job lined up to go into – but my mental health was the most important thing as I had developed anxiety, was having panic attacks at work and depression had started to take over. The last straw for me was when the manager I was being bullied by, pulled me into an office 3 days before Christmas, and proceeded to rip me to shreds about anything you can think of. I plucked up the courage to tell her what I thought of her – as I knew then I would never see her again after that – and that was the last time I ever spoke to her.
This time two years ago, just after going on sick and handing in my notice, I found out that I wasn’t going to get a proper wage as I was just a week shy of finishing my 6 months probationary period so unfortunately, I was going to get just under £400 as a last payment. £400 for the foreseeable future – out of what should have been over £1000. Luckily, my partner was incredibly supportive and was in a position to put us both up until I got back on my feet.
My mood, mental health and emotions were at an all time low. I had never felt so depressed or worthless in all my life and I couldn’t see an escape. Before I’d started that job, I was a happy, energetic, larger than life character – I got on with everybody, and enjoyed talking to and meeting people. I had hopes and goals and was ready to start my new life with my hard-earned degree under my belt. But I didn’t have any of that left anymore. I wouldn’t even get dressed, open the curtains or eat a decent meal unless it was put in-front of me. I was just a mess. Everything I had about me or going for me had been stripped; I didn’t feel happy or motivated anymore, and no matter how many jobs I applied for, not one came back. It was so disheartening, because I individualised and put my all into every single application and none were open to offering me an interview. It was a very bad time for me, and I didn’t see a way out.
After a long time of feeling in despair, angry at myself for losing who I was, I found a way out. Somebody gave me a chance and I made it out of that bad place. Today, I am a completely different person. I am stronger. I have healed – although it took me a long time to heal. I was angry for a long time – I thought about what I had been through everyday like a plague and was unable to forget what that place had done to me. But, I can happily say I am over it. I realise that I am worth more than what that person caused me to feel. I am capable of anything I want to achieve.
In the last 2 years, I’ve worked hard to prove myself and my abilities. I felt as though I had to prove to myself and my employers that followed that I was capable – and I went above and beyond and managed to build up a good reputation for myself as well as my skills. These allowed me to apply for the job I have now, 2 grades higher than my last job, and I’ve excelled. I ended up in a sector I didn’t expect to be in – in a job I never thought I’d have, but it’s working out good for me.
I’m a much stronger person. I have been through my lowest point and came out at the other side. I see the world differently – and I don’t have the same expectations anymore. I used to think that marriage and children were the be-all and end-all. I realise now that I don’t have to conform to what is perceived to be the norm. I feel like I’ve grown up a lot – I feel more mature than my older siblings. I am in a healthy relationship, there’s no rush or expectations to get married. I used to think I’d be married by now, but I’m not naive anymore. I realise that for some people I know, marriage is about looking strong to other people but not being strong. I’ve worked instead to actually have a strong relationship – and not worry about what those around me think.
I am happy. I have goals and dreams. I don’t feel like I have to compare myself to my friends and family anymore because I’m not in that bad place. 2 years ago, I felt like the lowest of the low, watching my friends have babies, get married, travel the world, have amazing jobs. But since coming out of that, I’ve realised what I have is amazing. I don’t live to pretend that my life is great – I live my life and I make it great. I do my best. I feel like I am now independent – not just in a way of supporting myself, but independent in my beliefs, my morals, my attitude, my opinions. I don’t need to fit in anymore. I’m allowed to stand out and be different because that’s what makes me who I am.
I have come a long way in 2 years. I didn’t think I’d make it, but I made it and went even further. Don’t give up when it seems there’s no end of your troubles in sight. It is coming, you just have to survive to see it happen.