It’s been a long time since I last wrote on my blog. It was actually last July that I wrote my last post after taking a bit of a break from blogging. I intended to get back into the swing during 2019 – with the impending purchase of our first home due at the start of that year and I wanted to document the process of settling in. But sadly, my grandmother passed at the very start of the year and I just didn’t feel so excited about writing anymore. I was so caught up in life and all the twists and turns last year brought us, I neglected my blog in the process.
2019 actually turned out to be a life-changing year despite all the sadness that shadowed what would have been an amazing year. We got a house that we love, and have spent a lot of time making memories within it’s walls and working towards turning it into our own space for our future. Then, at the end of the year, on our 7-year anniversary, my partner got down on one knee and asked me to be his wife. Something I had dreamed of since I had first met him. He is the man of my dreams and more and I can’t wait to say I Do!
So moving into 2020 was exciting. We had a wedding to plan, we had our house to focus on and my new year’s resolution was to have a ‘drama-free year’. I was going to step away from things that made me stressed, unhappy and angry and focus only on positive things. I wanted to be more assertive for myself and put my own needs first for once. I was raring to go for a fun-filled year – the first of the last 2 years as an unmarried woman! And then…
It seemed like the time between the speculation about the virus and the rush to get ready for a lockdown was so sudden. One minute, I was at work, getting ready for the busiest month I had ever experienced in my job. The next, I’m getting cancelled bookings left, right and centre until my diary became completely empty. The shops were suddenly busy and then eerily deserted – only endless queues of people outside eyeing one another up should anyone come within 2 meters. I said my goodbyes to my mother knowing we wouldn’t be able to go near one another for a while. I became obsessed with making sure any item of shopping we brought home was disinfected and wiped down before being put away. I haven’t cooked so much in my life! I haven’t had one meal that hasn’t been cooked in my kitchen. I’ve learned to make bread and quiche from scratch, brushed up on my cooking skills and put a bit more love into everything I have prepared (simply because I have had the time to!)
I have had good and bad days. Mostly good – I try to keep positive where possible but there have been days where I have wondered what the world will be like because of this virus and how different our lives may be. I worry a lot about my job security and the fact I have absolutely no work to keep me occupied. The days have started to merge together into one big blur and no day is differential from the others. My partner and I have bickered a great deal. It is not normal to spend so much time together under one roof and we have had to readjust to that (and are still readjusting). We still laugh everyday as we always have, but we also have a lot less patience with everything in general including one another. We miss the routine of work, getting up and commuting together and having that 9 hour break between leaving and coming home to one another. We had new things to chat about, had something to look forward to. But we wake up together, spend the day together and go to bed together.
The wedding planning has had to be put on hold. Despite the fact we have our wedding booked for November next year, we are in a bit of limbo as to what to expect over the next year. I am of the opinion that this virus isn’t going to just go away, and we will likely have to adjust to it being part of the norm as opposed to seeing it fought off and eradicated. But what does that mean for the future for us all? Does lockdown continue forseeably? Will large gatherings be banned for ever more? Will we develop immunity or will we constantly be at risk of infection? It’s such a scary and uncertain time for everybody. And it’s the unknown that seems to be the worst part of it. There appears to be no end. If we knew the end was coming, we could start to have plans again, have something to look forward to, keep our spirits lifted for better days ahead. But with so much yet to be discovered about the virus and the impact it has on us, I just don’t see those rainy days coming bright for a long time.
I think about those who are enduring this time in isolation alone. Sure, I have found it hard to share space 24/7 with my fiance, but I am so lucky that I am still able to wake up with him, make new memories together and keep each other sane. There are people out there who don’t have someone at home with them, even harder for those who started in this situation with someone but now find themselves alone. I think about the wars we were so lucky not to have lived in but that we are now living in a type of war of our own. We live in a world where we have absolutely everything we could ever want, and it’s all on demand. But this has shown that regardless of what materialistic things we surround ourselves with, without the people we share our lives with, it doesn’t come close to having everything else. I long for the day I can hug my niece and nephews, that I can go out and see my friends, that I can plan a barbecue for my nearest and dearest. It’s not about getting out to the shops or living a fast life. It’s about the people in it. The people we often take for granted but now desire their company the most.
I fluctuate between being socially dependent to being totally isolated. Some days, I love the multiple conversations I can hold with multiple people. Other days, I crave solitude and find it difficult to be talkative and engaging. I know I am not alone in those feelings and it brings me comfort to know that I am not doing anything wrong by just riding the waves of what we are all facing. It does bring a great sense of satisfaction to just write again; to be honest with myself and others what’s really going on. I watch the videos of people making the most of lockdown, singing, dancing, learning crafts, exercising every day and going viral with their videos of positivity and wonder if they, too, are riding the same waves that I am.
I have had so much time to think about the world we live in today and I know I won’t be the only one that has taken this time to consider what impact this will have on us. For now, all we can do is sit, watch and wait. But I know that regardless of how long we are to stay isolated from one another, the world will be a different place from the world we were in when we entered this year. I like to imagine that the people that live in this world will become less materialistic, embrace the beauty they already possess without the need for enhancements and fillers now that they have been unable to get them. I hope that this will teach people how to love and accept each other and that what really matters at the end of it all… is each other.